@philco816: There is no way Hollywood could remake Scream for millennials because, none of them would answer the phone.
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@SadPeruna: Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don't have friends.
@TheBoydP: I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.
@RobElliottComic: When I see a couple fighting I like to walk up to the one who's more pissed off and whisper "We can make it look like a suicide" and wink
@stuckinaportal: regrets? [thinks back to the time i drunkenly watched Spy Kids 3-D & it forever ruined my netflix recommendations] yeah i've got regrets