What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
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Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
Wizard of Oz (1939): A hapless teen suffering from head trauma is led down the wrong path to cosplay, heroin, organ harvesting and ultimately, homicide.
Wife: Could you be dehydrated?
Me: Of course not.
W: How much water have you had?
Me: Two coffees & a bourbon.
W: Wow.
Me: Told you.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
Puts all the toys my kids forgot they had in their Easter basket
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
If Skyrim has taught me anything, it’s that you should always check people’s urns for gold. Don’t be afraid. Pull grandma off the mantle.
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Wife: I have to go to the store. Need anything?
Me: I need a Valentine’s Day card for you. Get something nice but not too pricey.
Wife: Yep
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
My cat just winked at me and now it’s awkward because I only see her as a friend.
“Ok i’ll bite”
*literally any cat i try to be nice to
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Be the change!!
*loosely falls to the floor*
*quarter spins*
ME: wanna sing a Christmas carol?
KIDS: YES!
ME: then go outside
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
my disrespectful teen son somehow got hold of a gluten product and now he wants to become a cat girl
The 70’s were tough. My dad would kick my ass if I died from a peanut allergy.
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.