@Not_a_JesusGirl: There is nothing funnier than yelling "SHE'S STEALING MY BABY!" at a mom having a hard time with her kid in public.
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@Fred_Delicious: [Biden runs into the oval office] "Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed"
@Marcmywords2: Hey Dad, your neighbor called, they wanna know if you could turn down your TV, they've already heard this episode of Law & Order.
@TheHyyyype: MATH TEACHER: wanna come do the problem on the board? ME: no MT: i wasn't asking ME: if u were an english teacher you'd know that u were
@dulcetry: This Walmart is advertising $9.99 iPads to anyone who throws their baby into a snakepit.