There is nothing in the world that lowers your IQ faster than trying to use someone else’s coffee machine.
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“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
“Finally there’s Whatsapp stories!” – said no one ever
[date]
HER: it’s getting late
ME: [shouting through my garfield mask] IT’S BARELY 8:15
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
Dog: I have mange
Baby Jesus: I have manger
Dog: It’s not a competition
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Happy weekend !
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
News:”a black bear hovered over a convenience store in central Florida for more than seven hours…”
They have hover bears?
jealous again
GUY WHO JUST LOVES SHARKS: Can I pet the sharks?
SHARK HANDLER (who sometimes makes bad decisions): Yeah that should be ok
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
Dog: I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE I WANNA GO OUTSIDE
Me: *opens door*
Dog: *runs to my spot on the couch* smell ya later sucka
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
sad to hear it but I hope it’s for the best
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
[customer service desk]
customer: hi, I’d like to make a return
me: ok great I’ll see you later then
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.