There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
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Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
“Here kid. I hope you like not getting laid until college because your bedroom is a giant dinosaur now.”
-extreme home makeover
I would make a good cat because I also like to pause in the middle of a fight to lick my own shoulder real fast
me opening up to someone
Tonight on The History Channel’s Dying in the Woods: Eric dies in the woods.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
You can’t make me breathe heavy.
You aren’t a flight of stairs.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
The important thing to remember is that nobody asked you.
Sitting here eating blueberries
wondering if my brain is improving
Doubt it…..
took too long to spell doubt
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
FRIEND: You’re a farmer? What do you grow?
ME: Tired, mostly.
Them: you’re broke, you have to move apartments, you work a shitty job, and you’re balding.
Me: Thats cool. Everything will work out in the end.
Them: your child is skipping a nap today.
Me: MY LIFE IS RUINED!