There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
You Might Also Like
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
all the video games my bf plays are like “would you like to Search Beehive?” and he’ll say yes and it’ll be like “you have found: A Bee”
*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW
TIP: if ur worried about the airworthiness of the plane you’re on offer it a chip. If it eats it you’re on a seagull. Disembark immediately
Just drove past a new typewriter repair shop…
That’s not a front for anything illegal I’m sure…
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood
Dear diary,
Today I learned drinking electrolytes does not give you electrical powers. must now find other ways to become a super villainess
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I could pick up a Prius if there was a pizza trapped under it
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
My milkshake brought a colony of extremely aggressive fire ants to my yard. 🙁
*calls out under the bed
Me: Are you still there?
Monster: Nope. Go to sleep.
My day has been so awful I keep looking around to see if Nicolas Cage is in it.
Cop: I need statements from you both
Miley: he came in like a wrecking ball!
Bull: all I wanted was a china bowl
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
If I’m ever in need of a hair tie, the first place I look is my cat’s water bowl.
[emptying spam]
ME: Why do I have so much canned meat?
Her: I’m leaving…
Me: Good. Go. I never loved you in the first place.
Her:…for the store.
Me: Oh…..Pick me up some Funyuns?
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
I realized if I whisper at Alexa, she whispers back
I wish it worked on everyone
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.