[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
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Brenda was so embarrassed. She thought the invitation was for a panic in the park. She will be apologizing for the potato salad incident for a long time.
Did you know when someone annoys you it takes 42 muscles to frown but only 4 to extend your arm and punch them in the face.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
*points to baseball player stealing a base* hey look the batman is robin
Me: Well, I’m off to perform another organ transplant.
Wife: You’re a piano mover, you idiot.
Me: I change lives, Linda. I change lives.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Tonight’s special:
Hummus-fed pigeon leg, rolled in coffee grinds, served on a bed of fresh lawn clippings
$105– Fancy restaurants
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Every atom in your body is born in a star, traveled millions of light years, & through an amazing process became you. & you watch Teen Mom.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
Someone asked where I’m from and I said Wisconsin. She got excited, “Like That ’70s Show!” and I clarified, “More like Making a Murderer.”
The stages of giving my dog a new stuffy:
1) oh my god for me?!
2) this is the best day ever
3) this house is full of thieves trust no one
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
Gonna match donations for bail funds up to $100 today. Post your receipts in the comments and I’ll post my match.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
“Unhand me you cad!” I shriek, before turning disappointedly to see that I’ve only caught my shirt in the silverware drawer.
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
“Congrats Lobster Boy, u got the job”
[Lobster Boy goes in for the handshake but cuts his employer’s hand clean off]
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Me: I love it when you call me señorita *kisses neck* I wish I could pretend I didn’t need ya.
Liquor Store Clerk: Please get your mouth off of the wine bottle until you’ve paid for it.
Dr: If you want to lose weight, you need to do things that’ll make you sweat.
Me: *applies for a loan*