did you know the official veterinary term for your cat eating something it shouldn’t is “dietary indiscretion” which absolutely sounds like a cat politician trying to downplay its irresponsible past
You Might Also Like
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
[boxing match]
Commentator: Silva is in the red shorts with green, white & yellow trim
Me: the black guy. Just say Silva is the black guy
[MIDNIGHT TRAIN STATION]
ME: one ticket, please
TICKET SALESMAN: sure, where to?
ME: *looks at camera* anywhere
TICKET SALESMAN: where tho
podcasts
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
[Concert finishes]
Me: *taking a bow*
Violinist: Hey, give that back
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Based on how poorly this burrito was wrapped, I assume it was made by the one person at Taco Bell that has never rolled a blunt.
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
I used to wonder what it’d be like to read other people’s minds.
Then I got a Twitter account, and I’m over it.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
car not found
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Got so drunk last night that I was able to translate three Pearl Jam albums into English
My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.
My half-brothers had a Hungarian dad and an Eskimo dad. My dad was from Wales. Our dinner table was like the U.N…only with slapping.
Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
I find it funny when an actor starts off a movie doing an accent and then it mysteriously disappears like their paycheck just cleared
It feels so good to tell my mom every morning that I’m going running, because then she hangs up and I can sleep another hour.
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Exercised.
Burned 94 calories.
Exercise made me hungry.
Ate 940 calories.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I promised my husband a real show in the bedroom tonight. I hope he loves sock puppets.
ME: *playing my kazoo softly in the library*
HER: excuse me, do you mind?
ME: why yes i do but i usually just call it thinking