I wish kid’s socks were biodegradable and came on rolls like paper towel. Just rip off a new pair every day and throw the only one you can find from yesterday in the garden
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“GENTLEMEN, WE ARE AT WAR WITH TROY AND MUST NOT DROP OUR GUARD AT ALL”
“Sir, the enemy gave us a giant wooden horse”
“Oh rad bring it in”
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
This will never not be funny to me.
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
What idiot called it a meal of light colored carnival bus tickets of appropriate price and not a fair fair fair fare fare
My son is desperate for me to walk to the coffee shop and get him a chocolate croissant.
7yo: You’re being lazy! You’re just doing what YOU want to do!
Me: I’m doing work so we can afford the coffee shop. Are you?
7yo: No.
Me:
7yo: But I go to school so you don’t go to jail.
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?
Men – 2
Women – 1,768
When I say something embarrassing I immediately follow it up with something even more embarrassing so everybody will forget the first one
Noah: it’s starting to rain hurry up you two
Bob the Unicorn: whew we made it
Joe the Unicorn: yeah just in time
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
I don’t go to Starbucks very often. It’s intimidating. I never know how to order. Last time I ended up with a cup of hot dog water.
If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up
My daughter has decided she now eats dark chocolate, the one treat I never had to hide because I was the only one in the house who liked it.
Nothing is sacred.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I can’t touch my face so I’ve been letting the cats apply and remove my makeup. They’re getting pretty good at it.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
Men always criticize our big ole purses but stay asking us for something out of it.
“U got gum?”
“Give me some lotion”
“Hold my gun”
*helps wife get toddler in his high chair*
wife: That’s a new shirt, let’s put a bib on you
me [wearing a bib] This is ridiculous
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER