There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
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Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
we did it you guys we saved daylight
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
My sweatpants sat me down and said they want me to get an office job again.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
You think you’re a good parent and then your child tells you they once tried to hide in the washer in a game of hide and seek
One nice thing about your 30s is people talk less about figuring themselves out and more about where the best sandwiches are.
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”
Parents love telling you that you should date that person you haven’t seen or thought about for 10 years
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Saw (2004, Horror): An old man gives 2 people instructions on how to walk out of a bathroom. 102 minutes.
fixed it
Still disappointed that a goblet is just a cup and not a miniature goblin.
Interviewer: [extends arm] hello
Me: [extends arm but hand is stuck in a Pringles can] hello
When he asks for feet pics
You know you’ve got a drinking problem when you’re looking at the unleaded nozzle being labeled as 15% ethanol and you’re like “same, brother”
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
Doing the splits is easy — slip on the first snowy step when taking the dog out and let gravity (and panic) make you an Olympic gymnast!
Whenever I’m willing to sell my soul, there’s usually food involved.
My parents are hosting 10 people on Thanksgiving so naturally my dad is outside making sure there is not one single leaf on the lawn.
My Mom: I like that actor Tom Hiddleston. What was he in?
Me: Taylor Swift for a while.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
The best text messages are those that contain a warning that they are going to stop by your house, that way you know not to answer the door.
Guy who likes music
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
The moon is moving away from the earth at about 5 inches a year so it’s like the longest break up ever