There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
You Might Also Like
Ghost cat: how’d you die?
Ghost dog: i bit a guy that ran over my best pal and they put me down
GC: i got hit by a car
GD: I know
GC: ilu
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
Judge: You shot him. How do you plead?
Me: Bleed? NO. He was the one bleeding
Judge: HAHA
Me: HAHA *High five?
Judge: Ten years with no bail
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
shot through the heart
and you’re to blame
tetanus shots should go in the shoulder
this is grounds for a malpractice suit
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Nurse: Know your blood type?
Me: Type-O
N: That’s good!
M: Not really. Makes me spell everything wrong. ZING!
N: Get out
M: Fair enough
Fun game to play at the beach…seashell or potato chip.
I try to avoid things that make me fat, like scales, mirrors, and photographs.
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
3 just informed the cashier at Target, that mommy has a tiny mustache in her underwear.
So the weekend is off to a great start.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
[Sits on chair backwards]
Now let me tell you about another “righteous dude” who had long hair and wild ideas.
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Though I initially enjoyed Idiocracy, Handmaid’s Tale and Animal Farm, I didn’t expect to be living all three at once 😒
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
[1st ever peacock to open up his tail]
hey fellas, I dunno what it is, but
i. feel. fantastic.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I told my friends, family and dentist that I chipped my tooth recently because Storm Isha blew the garden door into my face at high speed. The truth is that I was actually playing tug of war with our Alsatian dog, by holding the other end of the rope in my teeth.
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Thoughts & prayers for my son who thought his phone was charging overnight only to find he must go to school on 6%.
If you ever hear a parent say, “oh, good! it comes with glitter!” know that it is not, in fact, good.