there should be a jail just for people that don’t break apart kit kats before they eat them
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“Oh, I like your coat!”
“What? This old rag? It cost 2p! I’ve had it for ten years. I found it in a bin. It’s seen better days. I hate it. Been meaning to get a new one. Thank you, though!”
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
Dear Girl Scouts,
Your Mints did not make me Thin.
ps. Please send more.
If you’ve ever wondered if your drunk Uncle would make a good President you aren’t wondering anymore.
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
I may be boring but next time I marry I want a simple wedding. No lavish reception hall, no expensive dress, no elaborate foods, no guests, and no husband.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
[first night in hell]
This isn’t so bad, really. I expected worse.[6 AM, waking up to every neighbor mowing their lawn]
ARE YOU KIDDING ME
Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
(Musicians.)
Allow me to play for you the song of my people
*Sound of chip bag opening*
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
(at the pearly gates)
St. Peter: Say “worchestershire”
Me: Oh God I knew it
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
me: how should i tell my kids they’re adopted?
kid: not like this
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
Me: I’m going to be late.
Boss, over the phone: What happened?!
Me, stuck up to my neck in rice: Well, funny story…I couldn’t find a towel.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.