There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
You Might Also Like
Me: How do Minions wear overalls? They don’t even have shoulders
Therapist: I meant is there anything else bothering you about your marriage
CASHIER: $57.85
ME: do u accept food stamps
C: of course
M: sweet *presses my apple stamper to an ink pad* which hand do u want it on
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
1st date: get whatever you want
2nd date: these desserts are expensive
3rd date: let’s split an appetizer
4th date: waiter, I have a coupon
why am I working on Labor Day
Imagine living in Canada and riding a moose everywhere you go
I bought a Christmas tree today. The guy asked me if I was going to put it up myself.I said, “No, I’ll probably put it in the living room.”
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
My husband thinks it’s funny how I have nothing to wear until I pack 4 suitcases for a trip.
The government always waits until the last minute to prevent a shutdown, much like my approach to paying taxes.
When you call home on a holiday and get passed around, it’s worse than being included on a group text.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
Me: Just because you don’t have school doesn’t mean you can go without pants.
5yo: I’m just gonna wear these invisible pants.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
I am fed up with all these incest jokes about us Kentuckians. It’s offensive to me as well as Uncle Dad.
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
It’s normal for married couples to fight. The trick is for you and your spouse to find a couple you can easily beat up.
[family vacation]
Son: how much farther?
Me: call me dad
Quit making fun of my barbed wire tattoo literally no one has even tried climbing over my arm since I got it.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
Whenever I get my hair cut I always take a ‘before and after’ photo outside the barber’s shop. Here’s the latest…
“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
*At the bar*
Me: What do you have on tap?
Bartender: Bud and Bud Light
Me: I’ll have a Coke.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
ME: today will be a good day
PINKY TOE SOCK SEAM: lol