There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
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Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
I yell at my kids to hurry up and then spend 10 minutes searching for a sweatshirt that I’m holding.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!
My body is 61% water and 53% math skills.
God [returning from 200 year vacation] who touched the thermostat?
I was inept with girls in high school. Once I tried to unhook a bra strap and accidentally made a macramé plant hanger.
Please doctor, my flabber,,, it is so ghasted,,,
I got my paycheck and the envelope was filled with parsley.
Someone garnished my wage.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
What’s your stance on public intoxication?
Mine is very wobbly.
They should put barf bags in all the voting booths this year.
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Intermittent fasting is how I drive, not how I eat.
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
A new survey shows that 37% of people would let a bird poop on them for good luck. Which makes more sense than the other 63%, who are just in it for the experience.
I’ve had my heart broken before, but I got back up on that horse and said “C’mon, can’t we give us one more chance? Stomp once for yes.”
I’m “don’t flash your headlights at someone who doesn’t have theirs on bc they will come and kill you” years old.
“That looks shiny and clean, I’m gonna touch it a lot.”
– Kids
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.