There should be a place on the organ donor card that lets you leave your middle finger to a person you hate.
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Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
I just ate my weight in baked potatoes so if anyone has been thinking about robbing my house, now is the time to do it. I’m not moving anytime soon.
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
I don’t have emotional baggage , I have got a small carry on griefcase
[hotel fire alarm]
M: *in pjs* How did people get dressed and outside so quickly?
H: It’s 10am, they were already dressed.
M: impressive
Me: [Eating pizza for breakfast]
Gym nerd: [pouring 8 flourescent powders into a gym bottle] I dunno how u can put that shit into your body
Catering service
Today’s workout. 7 x 4 min intervals, 90 min walk. Participated in polar bear swim. Banned from the zoo.
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!
[boiling pot]
dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
See you guys when I get out of prison.
My husband just complained that he’s the only one that ever does anything around the house.
Whenever I see *Batman voice* I always wonder which Batman.
You don’t need a therapist.
A five year old will tell you everything that’s wrong with you for free.
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
Doctor: You have a problem. Your liver is enlarged.
Me: So I have more room for bourbon now?
Doctor: I hate this job.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
Maybe if we didn’t spend SO much time throwing gang signs we could’ve started this baking class on time
U once broke ur toe? I once broke my foot. U had a baby? I had 2 babies. U have a bad back? I have a bad front. I can do this all day, btw.
Joker: Want to know how I got these scars?
Me: Did you try to hug a squirrel? Because, you know, been there.
Joker: No I…wait, what?