There should be an “oh my god, shut up already” button.
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Detective: We’re going to need to confiscate your phone and computer, look through your browsing history for anything that might be relevant.
Me: I’d rather just confess.
Detective: To what?
Me: Whatever
I’ve reached the age where haircuts would be cheaper if my hairdresser charged per strand.
Why is aggravated murder a charge? There’s never like a passive and calm relaxation murder.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
I DO love to rush breathlessly into Starbucks and scream “Is anyone in here writing a screen play? We need one! This is an emergency!”
Used to be able to touch my toes. Now I just have a sip of beverage and wave at them.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
HER: i love babies
ME: *trying to impress* i cry when i’m hungry
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
I use the word “thingy” when I cant think of the word:
Me- Are you picking up the “thingy’s?”
Wife- …you mean your kids?
Me- Dont judge me
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
Employees must applaud the planets.
Oohh, you play bass, as in the guitar. I thought you played bass, like the fish. I would’ve paid to see that.
The husband wants me to stay on twitter more because I can’t buy shoes here.
Me: I don’t remember this mirror being here before
Wife: you’re watching a documentary about warthogs
me: four out of five dentists recommend Colgate so I’ll have that
waiter: uhhh you want fries with that
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery, but if I did, you’d see someone else cutting all this damn grass.
I carry tumbleweed so I can let it roll across the floor during awkward silences.
me: I just don’t know what you see in me
X-ray tech: twelve ice cream sandwiches. Still in their foil wrappers
Sometimes I look at my kid and think “I made this!” and other times I look at him and think “I made this?”
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
You deplete me
[seconds after I am done vacuuming the entire house]
My Dog: I LOVE YOU AND I HAVE BROUGHT YOU THE ENTIRE LAWN AND SO MANY LEAVES!
“HONEY, ITS THE BANK. SOMEBODY USED YOUR CARD TO BUY A HUMAN HAMSTER WHEEL??”
Me [from basement, out of breath] “what”
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[shaving legs] hang on, these aren’t mine
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I wonder what the rest of this day has in store because I just spent 30 seconds looking for my car keys while sitting in my car with the engine running.