I’m not the person to call if you need someone to stop you splurging on 10 new books. I’m the one that will hand you the 11th
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If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
i once got pulled into the boss’s office because a coworker was upset that i gave him “a look that implied he was an idiot.”
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
I’m so poor I can’t even pay for my own consequences.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Many people don’t know the ceiling fan was invented when a plane crashed into a home and they just left it.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
*carpools to work*
Damnit Karen can you just match the windshield wiper setting to the frequency of raindrops
I told my toddler grapes were choking hazards so now when she wants grapes she asks for “choking hazards” instead
*pushes math homework away in 1990*
I’ll never need this
*getting yelled at by subway customer in 2014*
I WANT THE BREAD CUT LIKE A RHOMBUS
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
“Shhhhh”
– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
is the ultimate american drug watching an entire season of a tv show at once or getting married so you don’t have to die alone?
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
Those are good neighbors.
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
chiropractor: so what can i help u with today
me: i need u to lift me up and crack my whole body like bane does to batman
Friend: That was the exit. Did you see the sign?
Me: I saw the sign
F: …
Me: And it opened up my eyes
F: Oh no.
Me: I SAWW THE SIIIGNNN
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
You know you got a bad haircut when she insists on giving you a $10 discount.
People who race to pull out in front of me and then go below the speed limit, explain yourselves.