A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
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if you’re in a bathroom & person in next stall sneezes, do you say bless you or just applaud like normal? need answer fast too late clapping
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
Gary was no plumber but applying the knowledge acquired from previous experience he quickly fixes the leak by just leaving a bowl under it.
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.
Me: I just don’t see how Luigi could afford a mansion like that on a plumber’s salary, especially since he worked for his brother
Wife: see what I mean?
Therapist: shut up for a second he has a point
*1st day as the Dr’s assistant*
Igor: lol. for a second there I thought you said a ‘teen-building exercise’.
Dr Frankenstein: that’s correct.
My call has been first in line for nine minutes; I won’t be surprised if the next available representative tells me I have to call a different number.
my dad: [rising up from behind couch]
the new ppl that live in that house now: wtf
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.
My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
BF went to text me “almost there”
It came out “almost dead”
So hungover, I wrote back “thank god”
And now he arrived and things are awkward
Did you know most Americans only get to spend 2-3 hours with a new video game after launch before returning to work?
Paid. Gamer. Leave.
Three simple words I will make law when gamers around the country rise up and take back control of this country (which we founded, btw).
FOMO so bad I choose to be cremated and put in an hourglass so I can still participate in game night after I die
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
Remember to look both ways before crossing a woman.
Welcome to your 50s. You’re pretty laid back about everything now –
except when the GODDAMN SQUIRRELS get in your bird feeders with the expensive food with peanuts, pecans, and chunks of suet–I THOUGHT THESE WERE SQUIRRELPROOF FEEDERS!!!!
Canadians eat more mac & cheese than any other nation
We also rank first for quality of life
I’m not saying these things are related but ….these things are definitely related
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Is Kohl’s cash okay?
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭