@joshy_beck: There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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@briangaar: A 13-pound baby was born in GERMANY?? C'mon Mississippi, this is why we keep you around
@AcademicsSay: Active voice: I loved your book Passive voice: Your book was loved Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
@KeetPotato: honey, i think the milk's gone bad "i only bought it yesterday" yeah well, look at this.. *milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
@DaddyJew: Dad: I had a son once Stranger: what happened to him? D: he touched the thermostat Kid: dad, I'm like right here D: you hear something?