@joshy_beck: There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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@ReeseButCallMeV: My niece said I look like a mom. So now we're playing a game, sorta like Hide-N-Seek, except I hide her and no one finds her. Ever.
@_davidlucas_: Me: How are you? Co-worker: *Gives 20 minute dissertation on their gastro infection*
@: I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like--it was born 15 minutes ago, it looks like a potato.
@TitansHomer: Just saw a guy at the gym with only 1 arm. If that's not motivation, I don't know what is? Seriously, I don't know, I'm leaving...