There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
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I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
Dr: Does it hurt when I do this?
Me: Yes, a bit
Dr: And now?
Me: Yes, that’s very painful. Please stop showing me photos of you and my ex
What I say: It’s time to get dressed.
What My Kid Hears: It’s time to perform a Christmas Concert in your room.
Her: What do you look for in a relationship?
Me: A way out.
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
Im not trying to brag or anything, but I just got invited to play Candy Crush on FB
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
I’m willing to pay $2 to find out what the future is
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Interviewer: Your greatest weakness?
Me: I embezzle.
I:
M: And I’m bad at jokes.
I:
M: And interviews.
*gently releases can of tuna into the ocean*
Go ahead, Little Buddy! You can do this!!!
*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
Nasal rinses are great bc they clear your sinuses and also let you feel like you’re jumping into a pool without the pool.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
A boy at church was asked if he knew what the resurrection was. “Yes, and if it lasts more than 4 hours you’re supposed to see a doctor.”
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Just saw a large group of 20 yr olds saying a blessing before eating.
Then I realized they were all just looking at their phones.
If you don’t like the heart I shaved into my chest hair for you…well, then I should probably keep my underwear on.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
is it possible to get my dehumidifier to water my houseplants
I do not have a firm grasp on physics but have sketched what I have in my mind, with it strapped to a ceiling fan
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens