There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
You Might Also Like
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Drinking on vacation is directly related to the weather. If it’s sunny and clear you go outside and drink more. If it’s cool and rainy you stay inside and drink more.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Never bring a “you ordered the Elf from Amazon so you are legally bound to move it!” to a “why is it in the same spot for four days?!” fight
My grandfather built the house I live in. So when I cut the grass, I’m doing the same lawn I have been doing since I was 10. Only back then I got $5 for doing it. Now I don’t.
This is bullshit.
haha remember when I was in charge of a children’s birthday party at the pottery studio I worked at and I kicked things off by saying “alright it’s jenna’s sixth birthday, pretty impressive she’s made it this far…”
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…
“Make good choices,” I say to myself, as I choose a small plate to make a towering pile of nachos on, instead of a large plate.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
Hey Mommy can you spend an hour building this intricate race track only for me to tell you I don’t want to play with it after all?
-every kid ever
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
Husband *seductively*: you know what we haven’t done in a while?
Me: Yeah! Slept.
Husband: Correct, good night.
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
Unless you’re a pregnancy test, take that negativity elsewhere.
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Lose wallet.
Panic.
Ask everyone if they’ve seen it.
Tear your car and house apart.
Drive all over the city retracing your steps.
Give up.
Cancel credit and debit cards.
Find your wallet under a piece of paper on the nightstand.
Blame the dog
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Me: I just feel really sad and helpless. It’s like nothing I do can make things better.
Brain: Have you tried eating an entire sheet of brownies about it?
Me: What?
Brain: Eat brownies about it.
Me: [Pre-heating the oven] makes sense.
🤬فقط في مصر 🤬
My girlfriend asked me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.
me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?
6: no
me:
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
The weather is turning so I’ve swapped out my daughter’s summer outfits for cooler-weather clothes and my son’s shorts for his other shorts.