There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
You Might Also Like
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
[mom knocks on my bedroom door]
HER: are you modest?
ME: well I’m no big shot but my jokes do ok on Twitter
HER: ok I’m coming in
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Current forecast: 3-6 inches of 🔥🔥🔥🔥
Restaurant bathrooms are really, really dangerous.
So many of my 1st dates have gone to use them and vanished.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
BATMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by bats
ANTMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by ants
SUPERMAN: I was lost as a child and raised by soup
Chicago launched an innovative new ride-sharing program today and the way it works is some guy stole my bike.
ME: I’ll have the burger.
WAITER: And how do you like your burger?
ME: I don’t know. You haven’t brought it to me yet.
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.
I wanna congratulate Disney on outbidding me for Fox. I realize now that my offer, $13,000 and an IOU for $81-billion scrawled on a Arby’s bag in crayon, was unrealistic and whatnot.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Company loyalty can often be explained by Stockholm syndrome.
“Dad, what do you hate most about being divorced and living alone?”
“It takes 1 month for me to fill up the goddamn dishwasher.”
Dog: *Asleep
Dog: *Totally sleeping fam
Dog: *Don’t worry bout me
Dog: *Down for the night
Me: *Gets comfy in bed
Dog: *I gotta pee yo
If you want to know what a girl will look like in 30 years, stop talking to her and show up to her house in 30 years to check on her.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
First of all DO NOT address me as “Honey” if you’re coming to tell me you just SHRUNK the damn KIDS.
Think positive! The glass may be empty but the bar is still open.
Me: Dont you hate it when you enter a room and then forget what you came in for? Haha.
Patient on the operating table: Can I have some other surgeon please?
I shake my bottled water so the H’s & O’s are evenly distributed.
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
40% of my vocabulary consists of words that I inventaciously creatified.
[A field]
*An elderly Louie Pasteur and I sit among the clover, I hold a shotgun*
Me: It’s time to put you out to pasture. *Cocks shotgun*