There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
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I feel bad that I never predicted anything for the Mayans.
[Tinder guy takes off his glasses for the date]
Lois Lane: wtf you look nothing like your profile pic
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
My gummy vitamins melted together so I’m just gonna take a bite out of this every day instead of letting them go to waste
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I don’t like Haiku because you have to do poetry AND math.
$4 #usedbooks
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Coworker: Can you keep a secret?
Me: Nope.
Se7en, but instead of deadly sins, the murders are based on different Smurfs.
Name’s Todd.
I’m in charge of Blockbuster’s late rentals now.
Does the name Road Hogs mean anything to you?*shoots kneecap*
How bout now?
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Came downstairs to watch the game and the channel had changed. Looked at the dog, he looked back, then slowly slid his paw off the remote.
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
By 35 you should have returned to your childhood home to discover the ancient evil you and your friends thought you’d defeated when you were all 12 has risen again, say retirement experts.
A scientist has developed a pill that doesn’t make you thin, but it moves your concentrated fat to other places. I’m looking to move my belly to Massachusetts.
tom cruise struggle to operating a rod and reel and it’s all tangled and messed up. fishin’ impossible
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
Your hands aren’t tied down when you’re at the dentist, you’re allowed to put your hands in his mouth too.
WIFE: I can’t take your immaturity. Sign these divorce papers
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Fine! You win. “Simon says” sign these divorce papers
Does anyone ever put a chip with too much dip on it into their mouth, then shove a second chip in there to even out the chip to dip ratio?
Has science gone too far?
People say to feng shui your home to get rid of negative energy, so I made my family go stand outside before blocking the front door with the couch.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
her: what are you, like, six feet?
me: *muffled foot noises*
I got a Ouija board tattooed on my back to trick ghosts into giving me massages.
Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… Pretend it’s a beer… – Me trying not to drop a baby.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”