there was actually a 13th apostle, but not a lot of people know about him, because he was looking for a fork he’d dropped under the table right as leonardo painted that picture
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When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
Stop pronouncing it “pecan.” Everyone knows it’s “pecan.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
John Travolta’s cat gets very itchy for a few hours every weekend, because it’s got Saturday Night Flea Fur.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
*returns copy of “how to stop procrastinating” at high school reunion*
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
I hope my friends don’t notice that I’m taking the guest bath shower head home with me.
My 6yo proudly made her own breakfast this morning: “a pile of ham”
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Waiter: Are you finished?
ME: First of all, there’s still like 3 fries left.
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Some people will put ketchup on anything: one time I found a first edition of Wuthering Heights in my dad’s attic & I just couldn’t resist.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
I’m renovating and I can’t decide if I should start with the plumbing in the kitchen or the pool.
It’s either sink or swim.
#PlumbingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
friend: Are you eating a whole frozen pizza by yourself?
me: It was on sale for $4
friend: I wasnt asking because I thought it was expensive
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
rival dad next door just randomly decided to power wash his driveway on a Wednesday at 10:30 in the morning. guess i’m gonna have to install an in ground pool and tiki bar this afternoon.
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I thought getting old would include more naps, but I’m starting to suspect that old people only close their eyes to ignore everyone.
My youngest kid quit liking cheese, so now I have to eat it for the both of us