@sad_tree: There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred's car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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@1followernodad: [at a bar] *creepy dude is hitting on me* Me: you wanna get outta here? Him: yeah Me: cool. I would love it if you left.
@maisonwithapen: *shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe* yoga instructor: you need to leave me: oh is this not child's pose?
@awesomeseank: Anyone who shows up late to work, wearing shades and clutching a Gatorade is about to tell a lie.
@dshack8: Taught a parrot to repeatedly say "WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?" and now I don't have to talk to my kids until Spring so that's pretty cool.