There was an episode of the Flintstones where a mechanic worked on Fred’s car HEY FRED YOURE GETTING RIPPED OFF THERE IS NO ENGINE IN THERE
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The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
My fortune cookie fortune:
___________________________
| |
| *ʀᴇᴘʟᴀᴄᴇ ᴛᴏɴᴇʀ* |
|__________________________|
Sorry. Not sorry
friend: What’s one thing marriage has taught you?
me: If you walk into the house eating a candy bar you better have one for her too
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?
Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?
Me: oh.
Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?
Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.
(getting murdered) please i have a Sims family
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
*tosses bath towel on hotel floor*
[text from wife at home]
“Pick that up.”
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
“You can eat your eyeball after you clean your room.” Me, still parenting with Halloween candy.
I’m famous people used to have talent years old.
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
4-year-old: Tell me a scary story!
Me: One time little people popped out of your mom and they never stopped asking questions.
4: Why?
Called in telepathically this morning, so they know I’m thinking of them.
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years.
Me: February probably.
“Forgive me father, for I have pinned.”
I’ve eaten spinach salad for lunch for the past three days. If I don’t wake up tomorrow with arms like Popeye, I’m going to be pissed
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
[1st date]
HER: So do you have any hobbies?
SALT SHAKER: Nice dress! It would look great on my floor
HER: What?!
HIM: Just ventriloquism
The fox I planted last year is coming along nicely.