@CroweJam: There's a bald spot in my yard so I'm gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
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@ShutUpThatsWho: [walking on beach] [find bottle with message in it] Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING? [another bottle with message washes against my feet]
@WorkingMom86: *at hostage negotiation class Prof: Let's go around and say why we're here Man: I joined the NYPD Woman: I'm in the FBI Me: I have a toddler