There’s a big difference between seminary school and semenary school.
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CASHIER: [over PA] produce manager to the front pleas-
*scuffle noises*
ME: IF YOU SELL LETTUCE HEADS WHERE get off me WHERE ARE THE BODIES?
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
the admin of this account is now hating mathematicians for developing maths
{emceeing banquet}
Me: Our first guest tonight needs no introduction. *walks away from podium*
My 9-year-old is very passionate about learning to play the piano. She’s even more passionate about learning to play the piano at 6:37 in the morning.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
I’m sorry, but owning a pet and being a parent are not the same. Your lizard did not tell you that you sucked today.
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
Tomi Lahren is pretty confident for a person whose first and last names are both misspelled
[2 toads chillin’]
Yo, we should start a rumor that if u lick us you’ll get high.
“Whaaaat, that’s genius.”
We gon’ get mad licked, son.
I’m convinced that blame is the fastest human reflex.
Sorry, michael00008765348921652. I’ve already found my partner and definitely don’t want to get to know you better.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
When you skip while carrying a can of gas people move out of your way. Even if you’re smiling. No one’s happy when you have gas.
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
LMAO.
I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Mom, remember we used to eat donuts?
-my 3 yo, 1 hour after eating a donut
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
YOU, OBLIVIOUS TO CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies*
ME, OBSESSED WITH CLIMATE CHANGE: *dies more meaningfully*
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.