There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.
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Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
My friend’s girl broke up with him because she didn’t like his pet lizard.
I knew she didn’t like him from the gecko.
Eating my way out of the ball pit.
facebook users be like “my page is NOT a safe space!” yeah of course it isn’t you just tagged 43 people in a post that very clearly leads to a phishing site
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
This is sending me to another galaxy
A lemonade stand is a good way to teach your kids the value of someone giving you money because they feel sorry for you.
Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”
Him: Why is there an antenna sticking out of your hair?
Me, definitely not an alien: Why are you humans so suspicious of everything?
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Nothing makes me second-guess my language like a little voice chirping, “Mommy, I found your freaking measuring spoons.”
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
iPhone X
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:
Air slap bass
Air harmonica
Silent pig auctions
Balloons hitting people
The letter Q
I like microwaves that spin the food around because I’m all, oh yeah, hot pocket, looking good, girl, from the front AND the back uh huh.
oh to be a capybara in an open air bath with an orange on its head
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
When you vacuum your kid’s room and it just sounds like millions of Rice Krispies being sucked up
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
I never know what to do when someone tries to fist bump me, so I just slowly put their fist in my mouth
When a cop tells you to “spread ’em” he is not flirting. I know this now.
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
911: what’s your emergency?
me: I taught my Dad how to text
911: the problem ma’am?
me: he CALLS to say “yeah, got ur text”