Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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If hockey comes back this season we should be allowed to appoint one single fan to watch the games who’s only job is to shout “shoot!” on the power-play and occasionally bang on the glass.
You guys, how can true love still exist if we don’t have mixed tapes anymore?
[Pulled over]
Officer: license and registra- oh wow
Me *shirt covered in blood* hey buddy, my eyes are up here
I’m not judging you, I’m just trying to guess what medications you’re on.
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a teacher
HER: [eats mint from purse] So, w-
ME: I HOPE YOU BROUGHT ENOUGH FOR THE WHOLE CLASS
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
“I took some f***ing tablets for my f***ing headache and now I can’t stop f***ing swearing.”
“Really? What have you taken?”
“Ibuprofane”.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
I coughed twice, so now I’m worried that the £67.43 in my bank account won’t split evenly between my two children when I die.
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I always leave my vehicles gas on empty because I want thiefs to be as pissed off as my wife
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
me: there’s something gross in my soup.
waiter: that’s your reflection
My teen daughter: “Mom, check out the new shirt I bought! It was only $3.00!!”
Me: “It’s because the bottom half is missing.”
He died doing what he loved, rearranging the dishes in the dishwasher after I put them in.
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Turns out you don’t need to have a large gathering to still argue about religion and politics.
I print everything at work because I’m not a multimillionaire who has a printer with ink at home