@NoticablyBacon: Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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@Eagle_Vision: Please enjoy my "Here's Your Sign" tweet collection, designed to ward off Twitter trolls.
@SteveKoehler22: If you use a wrong word in a tweet and a grammar nazi loses his shit- Try these consoling words : "Their, there, they're. It'll be okay"
@Fred_Delicious: [sees some cut grass] "Nice" [sees some ripped leaves] "oh yea" [sees a twig with a 6 pack] "holy shit"
@CulturedRuffian: INTERVIEWER: What are your skills? BATMAN: I right things. I: What do you write? B: I Right People's Wrongs. I: Oh so you're an editor?