Theres a dating website for people that believe the government is ran by lizard people so I really have no excuse for being single
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No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
If you didn’t bring enough cough syrup for everyone, maybe don’t drink it in front of us, Gary.
Last year I had no valentine, this year I also have no valentine. Consistency 🙏🏾
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Friend: I need your advice.
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
Friend: I meant about my love life.
Me:
Friend:
Me:
Friend:
Me: Wear less eyeshadow.
3 years ago I trained 6 days a week & ran a 5K. Now I run my mouth 6 days a week telling the pizza delivery guy how I ran a 5K 3 years ago.
me: im just so tired of the monotony of my life, it’s exhausting doing and seeing the same things every day
target employee: you could probably just not come here as much?
So proud of my ancestors for crawling out of the sea and evolving lungs.
Pretty disappointed in them ever since though
“hottie with a body” implies the existence of “hottie without a body”……how do i become HER
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
Having the time of my life slicing vegetables super fast like I’m a chef at a Michelin star restaurant while the uneven mess I’m creating looks back at me in its judgmental misery *chef’s kiss*
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
This could be the whiskey talking but I don’t think I should be jury foreman.
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I try to kill that fly in the house five or six times and then just open the storm door and let him fly away. It was never personal.
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
Genie: last wish
Me: make it so eating makes you skinny and working out makes you fat
Genie: ooh, good one
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
In an unexpected motion, Texas Republicans have voted to move midnight to 1am.
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
friend: what’d you do today?
me: i judged a wet t-shirt contest
friend: niiiice, how was it
me: boring. all of the t-shirts were equally wet
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
To take revenge, I’LL EAT CHINESE.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
My wife left me by doing the “stairs behind the sofa” thing and never came back
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
You gotta Snapchat, dm, and text your girl all @ the same time. That way if you piss her off in 1 convo, you still have two lives left.