4: Mom, how long was dad inside you?
Me:
4: Mom???
Me: What the f-
4: Well??? How long was he inside you before you had him?
Me: Oh honey no I didn’t birth your dad, grandma did!
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Bathroom stall doors should have peepholes so you don’t have to awkwardly knock if someone is in there
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
Strong people don’t put others down. They lift them up.
And throw them.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
I’m hereby calling for all hotels to agree on one(1) shower control mechanism, life is precious and I cannot waste any more of it solving these ancient riddles
Bringing a carrot-and-raisin salad to a potluck is a subtle way to let people know you hate them.
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
Her: Stop stalling and sign the divorce papers.
Me: *does “the divorce papers” in sign language* THERE I HOPE YOU’RE HAPPY
Interviewer : What are your expectations?
Me : Job.
Interviewer : I mean what do you want from this job?
Me : Salary
3yo: I don’t wanna go to sleep
Me: your body needs sleep to grow
3yo: but I’m already growed
Me: how do you think I got so big
3yo: by eating
Me:
Art by Pastelkatto
WIFE: Just face it, it’s a lost cause
WILE E COYOTE: *sifting through Acme bills* You could be a little more supportive, Janet
Is there a button for “please show me more ads like this”???
Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Nothing derails an argument in the kitchen like soft-close drawers.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: In a mirror! Well any reflective surface really, windows, shiny cars, puddles…
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
5 ways to appear taller
[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]
“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
13 asked for a haircut yesterday. after the haircut he was upset and asked why his hair was shorter. brain cells man.
Me: You touched my heart.
Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL
The irony of my developing severely crippling stomach cramps minutes after reading a cheesy old love story isn’t lost on me.
*faints*
I was filling out our census, and under “Any additional comments?” I wrote “Reese’s eggs should be available year round.”
Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.