@realHamOnWry: There's a difference between when a woman is furious and when she's irate. It's the difference between sleeping on the couch or in a casket.
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@FeralCrone: When I told my parents over the phone that my husband has the flu, my dad said “Have you tried euthanasia?” and in the background my mom yelled “For the last time, it’s echinacea!”
@mishakey: I believe in you. But I also believe in aliens, big foot, and werewolves so don't get too excited.
@KeetPotato: cop: "sir im afraid your dog is too cool for this neighbourhood" me: [turns his little baseball cap round right way] cop: "ok that's better"