@Ham_Tornado: There's a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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@sanbay: Vanilla body wash.... smells amazing.... tastes like shit. Someone needs to figure that out.
@ceejoyner: Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
@AndyAsAdjective: ME: I dreamed about you last night PIZZA DELIVERY GUY: please just sign your receipt so I can leave, sir
@michaelianblack: Ted Cruz thinks: 1. Presidents should pray every day 2. More prayers the better 3. Muslims pray 5x day 4. Ted Cruz wants a Muslim president.