There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
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i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
[job interview]
Last test: put ur hands on the desk & don’t move [plays ‘In The Air Tonight’]
[I begin violently shaking as drum solo nears]
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
date: what turns you on?
me: cartoon superhero movies
date: [laughing] incredible
me: yah that’s my go to
Me: can I see the dessert menu please?
Waiter: No. Not before you finish your vegetables.~family owned restaurants.
Funny how “criminal attorney” can be understood in two different ways.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
A field full of rams , really sounds like a ewe problem
I hope your spoon slides into your soup
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
birthday cake is the only thing that someone can blow and spit on, yet, everybody wants a slice?
My son asked me
“Where does poo come from?”
I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest explanation.
He looked a little perplexed, and stared at me in stunned silence for a few seconds and asked, “And Tigger?”
Me: coming to the office Xmas party?
Steve: no [whispers] Lisa just lost her father
Me: there’ll be like 50 of us there. We’ll help you look
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
*A group of cannibals eating a pie*
This is amazing, what did you do different?
“Well, I used fresh Barry’s”
Stop putting words in my mouth. That’s were I keep my feet.
I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?
[new guy gets shown around the office]
Me: Hi, I’m Dave
New guy: oh are you the Dave who loves cycling or the Dave who makes up random facts in the hope nobody will check them out?
Me: no, I’m the Dave whose grandfather invented suitcases
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
I’m flying to my 30th high school reunion and I think I forgot to turn my stove off and also to be successful