There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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if you’re feeling stressed out, just relax, take a deep breath, and exhale fire over all of your enemies. this is more for dragons btw
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
Sorry I turned into a martial arts expert when you tickled me
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
One thing I’m really good at is turning $1500 into $4.72
Her to her boyfriend: I’ve eaten so much cake I’m pretty sure my blood stream is pure cake mix!
Narrator:….and that boys and girls is how the first vampire came about
The wife always talks to herself in the shower. She says that’s how she plans her day.
Don’t like eavesdropping. Just wanna make sure she’s not leaving us.
1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
My 5yo is demanding I tell him where he lived when mommy and daddy were kids
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
My kid got so bored he asked to do chores, so if you need me, I’ll be over here on my fainting couch
When you think about it, Carry On My Wayward Son is very poor parenting advice. It should be more Reign It In Douchebag You’re Upsetting Your Mom but that wouldn’t sell records I suppose.
I like to add winky faces to non sexual sentences.
“I put the rest of the water in the fridge ;)”
my roommate is freaked out.
This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
My greatest fear is having a star athlete injure himself and having the coach look into the crowd and point at me to take his place
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
First day of my levitation course today, and I went straight to the top of the class.
Sometimes I say, “Damn you to hell” after someone sneezes, just to mix it up a bit.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.”
ME: I would like a complaint form
ASSISTANT: Sorry, we have none left
ME: I would like two complaint forms
It went from “Oh, you guys really want to get to know your mom” to “Why are you asking me all these questions?” to “Which of my accounts are you trying to get into?”
[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
Whoever spelled the word Receipt was a friggin idiopt
In high school I was voted “I’m not really sure who that guy is”.
Penguins walking in 5x speed