@abhorrent_wife: There's a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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@ericsshadow: [on a date] HER: any accomplishments? ME: yeah, i'm an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog... liker HER: awww
@InternetHippo: If all millennials suddenly died the next day’s article would be “How millennials are driving up funeral costs”
@killazilla: My sis just asked if sugar goes bad. Now I can't stop picturing it bullying the other spices and selling pot.