There’s a fine line between confidence and delusion and I ride that shit like a bear on a unicycle.
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Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
My kid keeps asking if we can buy school merch, and sir you are 7 and that is a t-shirt
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably
please please tell me that benedict cumberbatch’s middle initial is Q
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
The year 2035.
Razors now have 47 blades.
Deodorants offer 186 hour protection.
Tins of corned beef still have to be opened with that stupid little metal key.
Imagine any 5 white people walking up to you being like “we’re imagine dragons” . You have no choice but to believe them.
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
*plays Rocky theme song*
*cracks 5 raw eggs into glass and gulps them down*
*vomits on kitchen floor*
*turns off music*
*cleans kitchen*
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
[first day in gang]
LEADER: ya gotta be street-smart
ME: oh i am
LEADER: prove it
ME: *names every street in city*
LEADER: holy shit
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
Me *about to get hit by a bus*
OH SHIT I’M NOT THE MAIN CHARACTER
M: so I’ve been thinking
*all of the light bulbs in the house shatter*