There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
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If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
Did you know you can just buy live lobsters? Anyway can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, we share it, right?
Me: [Using my Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
No one has more false hope than my Fitbit when I get off the couch.
Midwife [handing my baby]: make sure you support his head
Me: that’s a really great, floppy little head you’ve got there. Well done
Me: Ok I exercised, can I have some of those endorphins please?
My Brain: You just tied your shoes dude
[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
Greeting humans vs their dogs
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
“Look at me at me when I’m talking to you, lady. Oh, no, no, not you, lady. I call my daughter lady. I’m so sorry.”
* me, in public on more than one occasion.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
SUPER DANCE OFF??
Cop: OH YEAH
OH YEAH?
Cop: No, not really. There’s a warrant for your arrest.
oh no
Fingers crossed that Cupid hits me in the carotid artery.
The rare times my cat comes to me for affection, I run and hide under the bed, so she knows what that feels like.
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
[Bowling date]
Her: Your shoes are HUGE! Does that mean…
Me: Yes [Whispers seductively] I have an 8 inch toe
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
How disappointing is it that Han Solo didn’t name his son ‘Guitar’
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Technically I pulled myself over, you only asked
C: I know, right? They make us say it like that
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.