There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
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[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
inventing words: clothing
Me: We will leave in a little bit
8: After you put your makeup on?
Me: I have my makeup on!
8: Oh *pause*…you look very pretty
Me irl
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
The most productive species of beaver is the Eager.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Imagine how excruciating a conversation between Hodor, Groot, and Timmy from South Park would be.
I couldn’t sleep because the neighbor’s dog was barking so I went next door and told her, she says I have cheesecake and I could no longer hear the dog barking.
[walking down the canned meat aisle at the grocery store]
my phone: spam risk
If God wanted to impress me with his ‘miracles’ he would’ve impregnated Joesph, not a poor unwed teenage girl. That shit happens every day.
Me: So many women flirt with me on Twitter all the time.
Wife: Cool. Now you have lots of woman to also not have sex with.
Imagine being a witch and you’re all excited because you just brewed up a wicked potion but then you realize now you gotta clean out that cauldron and it’s too big for the dishwasher ugh
Dr: it looks like you’ve contracted sumatta
Me: what is that?
Dr: what is what?
Me: sumatta
Dr [grits teeth]: say it together
In a car crash a dog would rescue you.
However a cat would pour liquor over your face and testify against you in court.
911: What’s your emer-
She said don’t get her anything for Valentine’s Day!
911: And you didn’t?
No!
911: Placing you in protective custody.
If you don’t answer your kid’s tenth “MOM!”, I will…and what I say will keep them awake for 3 days. Better ask “what?”
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
who called it an octopus not an armarmarmarmarmarmarmarmadillo
*deathbed*
All that time wasted. When I could have been *looks at family*
getting down to this… sick… beat
*dies*
*widow rolls eyes*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
Scored a fantastic Christmas gift for my 11 yr old son today. A pass to the trampoline park with 99 visits! He will be thrilled!
However, I didn’t think this through. Someone now has to take him to said trampoline park. NINETY-NINE TIMES.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars