@SkunkFarts: There's a girl that I hate in my office that's white but looks like 'Precious'. I've been calling her "Pressure" & blaming my farts on her.
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@david8hughes: [interrogation] "Where were u on the night of the 3rd?" Stabbing a homeless man. "Louder for the tape?" Wrapping a boneless ham. As a gift.
@DanKCharnley: I'm jealous of turtles because if they don't want to talk to someone, they're like "Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later."
@NicestHippo: In America, we decide to bomb people after a week of reflection, but have debated the legality of smoking a plant for 40 years
@JasonLastname: Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet