There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
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This could be us, but you weedin’.
I met a girl at a club the other night and she told me she’d show me a good time.
When we got outside, she ran 100m in 9.69 seconds.
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Who hurt you ?
Me: Monday.
The cupcakes I started baking in my Easy Bake Oven in 1978 are ready.
Anybody want one?
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
A game married people play.
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m just gonna put an egg under my kid’s pillows and tell them the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy must’ve went out drinking the night before.
Stop hating yourself for everything. Be specific.
*driving past a house already decorated for Halloween*
6, muttering to himself: why do they have a scarecrow? They don’t even have any crops
Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just 2022.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
wife: didn’t i tell you?
me: yes, you did
wife: you didn’t listen
me: no, I did not
wife: what did i say?
me: you heard turtles in the walls
wife: what did you say?
me: i said you were crazy
wife: what will you do now?
me: i’ll call the turtle guy
wife: you’ll call the turtle guy
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
If you’re walking around with a toothpick in your mouth you may think you look cool but we’re all just worrying about you tripping
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Just like Hitler with the tiny mustache, Kim Jong-Un is ruining that haircut for everyone else.
shout out to the women in the hot dog eating contest who ate 2 dogs in 5 minutes… no competitive streak no urgency just taking the stage for a light lunch
Parenting is like being a dive bartender: people shout drink orders, you have to listen to their problems, and the place looks like a dump.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
I just want to be rich enough where I snap my fingers and 7 people fight over who gets to make me my next grilled cheese.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
As a mother, I knew one day I would have to deal with the issue of bullying. I just didn’t think it would happen so soon and to my fish.