@SkunkFarts: There's a girl that I hate in my office that's white but looks like 'Precious'. I've been calling her "Pressure" & blaming my farts on her.
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@timdonakowski: Starting a new job today. I’m not sure what company, but it’s wherever this lady with the giant box of donuts is going.
@GodShammGod9: My great grandma started to giggle at a barbecue and when I asked what's funny she said " everyone here is alive because I got laid ".
@danjan13: No, I can't come to your wedding. I just realized the remote works through the blanket.