There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
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orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Nothing like spending 20 minutes of your day trying to recreate a fart sound your chair made to prove to your coworkers it wasn’t you.
My husband is turning 58 tomorrow. Join me wishing him “Jesus, you’re how old?”
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
Danke for calling Germany.
To order beer, press 1.
To order weapons, press 2.
To order philosophy, press 1 until it resembles a 2.
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
[insect crime scene]
ant detective: do you have any suspects?
ant detective2: no, but I’m starting with that nervous tick
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
*two turtles strapping themselves to a sleeping cheetah*
Just you wait, Carl! This is gonna be awesome!
GUY SPIDER: (after sex) omg I can’t wait to see my son
GIRL SPIDER: *putting on bib* yeah, about that..
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
I Can’t Wait to Retire, so I can get up at 6 o’clock in the morning and go drive around really slow and make everybody late for work.
who will stop them
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
What do you mean I can’t get a refund on this broken lamp?
Ma’am you bought it from my yard sale a year ago! *slams door*
I think the government looks at Twitter and thinks ‘This is WAY cheaper than Asylums’
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I open my wallet and an accordion of pictures fall out but they’re all of me holding loaves of bread like a fish I caught.
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
Me when my alarm goes off
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
Interviewer: your resume is very impressive, but what would you say is your biggest weakness
Me: lying on my resume probably