There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
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I shrunk my husband’s hoodie in the dryer, so now I have to convince him that he gained 30 pounds overnight to hide my mistake.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
TRAIN TIP: A few minutes before the train arrives at your destination, get up and crowd around the exit so you can wait faster.
I like how your options for buying furniture are either $800 for a nightstand or $100 for a nightstand but you must devote a day of your life to building it from scratch with wordless instructions like you have committed a crime in an ancient Greek myth & this is your punishment
Any time someone says “have you seen that YouTube video?”
I always say yes……… Because otherwise they make you watch it on their phone
Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
Going into a teenagers room is like going to IKEA…
You only go in for one thing, but you come out with 6 mugs, a cake tin, and a set of cutlery!
1st Date
Me: Just warning you. I get freaky.
Her: Oh yeah? How freaky.?
Me:*thinking of using pizza rolls as a pizza topping* So freaky.
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
Videos that say “wait til the end” and then nothing cool happens, are the reason I have trust issues
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high
Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
My husband is always teaching me new things. Like today I learned you can get a lot of exercising while cooking dinner if the smoke alarm keeps going off.
Go ahead. Order anything you want. Money is no object when we dine at Le Foodcourte du Costco.
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
There are few things more awkward on a blind date than looking up from your phone to realise she’s left.
She obviously wasn’t blind at all.
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
Friend 1:
I swam with the dolphins in Mexico.Friend 2:
I swam with a sea lion in Jamaica.Me:
I swam with a fat guy in Reno.
[making out]
ME: *grabs a blindfold from the nightstand*
GIRLFRIEND: omg really?
ME: *blindfolding the dog at the end of the bed* really.
Fact: it is impossible to hold a machete in a friendly manner.
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith