My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
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Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
*in confessional*
well, i guess my biggest fear in life is getting myself into a situation where i have to fight a small monkey in front of a crowd of gamblers
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
mafia boss: “i want you to send tony the rat a message”
me: “like what”
mafia boss: “a horses head or sumthin”
me: [sends txt: “hey tony 🐴”]
What is so attractive about milk and honey that you would wanna wash your hands with it?
Me: Don’t look at me that way. Everyone pees in the shower.
Her: Yes. Most people have the shower running.
M:
H: Please leave Home Depot.
My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
The first time I tried to repair one of my kids toys, I thought it was important that they stand back a bit, and verily, I say unto you, it was from there that they watched me superglue the skylander to my hand.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
#truestory #puppylove #dogsonsofas
I just want someone to look at me the way my dog looks at a dishwasher full of dirty dishes.
Personal trainer: you must learn to listen to your body
My body: lifting weights is difficult, go play video games and eat ice cream
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
[after putting a fake mustache on an elephant]
FRIEND: You seen my elephant?
ME: no
FRIEND: [eyeing elephant] Maybe this fine gentleman has
Wish companies would stop advertising cereal as having raisins or nuts in it and then putting like three in the whole damn box. Is this homeopathic cereal? There was a raisin nearby, and now it’s just a fuzzy memory? Should it be renamed “Raisin Nut Vibes”?
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
I think it’s time to just let my eyebrows grow until they connect with my chin hair.
Him: If you’re waiting for me to apologize…
Me: No…no…I’m just waiting to see if you leave any fries behind when you walk away.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.