@VodkaThursday: There's a lot of mountains high enough to keep me away from you. You see that Everest mountain? Ain't no way I'm climbing that for you.
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@robdelaney: Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
@amydillon: [concert] SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight??? ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
@patnspankme: CW: What’s your middle name? Me: It’s Mike. CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name? Me: I don’t have one.
@enigmaterics: One thing I've learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears. Or I need new glasses. Again.
@NEthingButWork: Dentist: How often do you floss? Me: Daily Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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