*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
You Might Also Like
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
Me: Hope it’s ok if I sleep in the nude
Guy next to me on the plane: WTF dude?
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
i shouldn’t be laughing, but i am
morpheus wrapping the red pill in a piece of cheese so i’ll take it
[Murderer enters my bedroom]
Murderer: murdering time!
Me: not today murderer (safely positions entire body under covers)
Murderer: SON OF A
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
The trick is to have a night time routine. Turn off the lights at the same hour. Always brush your teeth. No TV in the bedroom. Think about every person you’ve ever met and their opinion of you for no more than two hours. Consistency is key.
god: *invents hammerhead shark*
nailhead shark: oh no
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
[first date]
Him: Let’s take the stairs!
Me: I think we should see other people.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
Tell them you’re stupid and they’ll say you’re smart, just to prove you wrong. That’s how stupid works.
I pretend I have a “tax guy” because I’m a very busy businessman and not because I’m an idiot who won’t follow instructions
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
People are asking me questions like they can’t see the FULL cup of coffee on my desk.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
Police: Pull over and stop!
Me: [on moped]What’s the problem?
Police: You’re not wearing the proper reflective equipment! We’re taking you in!
Me: [wearing reflector vest, blaze orange parachute pants, coal miners hat, Michael Jacksons left glove] I CAN SEE MY HOUSE FROM HERE!
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
The great thing about playing the bagpipes is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: the most important thing when wearing a mask is that it covers your mouth and nostrils
Batman: oh no
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
Google needs a “you really don’t want to know” search answer.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Our baby doubled age in a single day. If my calculations are correct, a month from now she’ll be about 3 million years old.
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.