@robdelaney: Brad Pitt might be "better looking" than me, but I am considerably fatter.
@amydillon: [concert]
SINGER: How's everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I'm in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
@patnspankme: CW: What’s your middle name?
Me: It’s Mike.
CW: Oh. Well, what is your first name?
Me: I don’t have one.
@enigmaterics: One thing I've learned about getting older is that not everything is as how it appears.
Or I need new glasses. Again.
@NEthingButWork: Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
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