There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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I just think mosquitos should go vegan and stop eating me alive
I’m not asking questions for that friend anymore. Too embarrassing.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
I was up all night reading about insomnia
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
How’s school, Hannah?
“Really tough, dad.”
They’re calling you Hannah Banana, aren’t they?
“No-”
WHY THE HELL NOT
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
“Susan cancel my 2 o’clock”
Both hands stuck in Pringles cans again? Here let me help
“no no no I need to learn to do this on my own”
when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
Witch from Hansel and Gretel: Hey guys, welcome to my cooking channel, be sure to smash that subscribe button *children’s voices at the door* ok! let’s get started
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
2yo: Me sick *sneezes in my face*
Me: Oh good, what fun plague am I going to catch now?
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Me: You a good personal trainer?
Him: You bet your emotionally distant dad I am.
Me: [through tears] Wow, that’s personal. You’re hired.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
[Heaven]
Saint Peter: Welcome to the pearly gates! You’re here early; you must be dying to get in! LOL
Me: Too soon…
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
My Uber driver just told me that he’s been doing a lot of pick ups/drop offs at ER’s and Urgent Care, so, goodbye.
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
Whenever I’m upset with my dog for acting up, I remind her which one of us is the owner and then we laugh and laugh.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…