2 years ago, I called up a friend and left a message, she called me back today. I’m not kidding.
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Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
When I’m really bored at work I like to write “I’m watching you” on the toilet paper a few squares in just to mess with people.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*brings a rubber band to a lobster fight*
Friday is Cinco de Mayo. White people haven’t been this excited about tacos since Tuesday
My package got from New York to Chicago in the same business day. Over the next four days it has traveled less than 20 miles, although it moves every day. I think it is walking here.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
“Don’t hate me ‘cause you ain’t me.”
“No, I hate you ‘cause you say stuff like that.”
My girlfriend told me to put the quart container of turkey gravy in the fridge door. I told her “nobody puts gravy in a corner.”
Never considered this before, but I might be a “local woman”
Doctor: I’m afraid you have high blood pressure. I suggest cutting back on your sodium intake.
Me [sipping ramen broth out of a Starbucks cup]: Okay, explain to me what sodium is again.