@K8yH8y: There's a part of me that still loves you. I hit that part with a hammer. Stupid part.
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@Thing_Finder: TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
@jordan_stratton: WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym. ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I've been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
@jazmasta: [making small talk at a business function] "You're 35 aren't you?" "No, I'm 38" "Oh right" [long silence] "Did you used to be 35?"
@Elizasoul80: I like to ask strangers in line at the DMV to guess my weight just so I can see what I can get away with putting on my license.