I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
You Might Also Like
Don’t perform CPR because you never know when a giant alien spider is dressed in a human suit.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
I’m having an out of money experience.
Did…did a minotaur write this
If global warming is a hoax, then how do you explain all these hot singles in my area?
I hate when people tell plus size girls they can’t “pull something off” like honey I’m trying to buy white jeans not steal the Declaration of Independence
The moment I wake up
Before I put on my makeup
I say a little prayer for you…r underwear elastic to break because I don’t wish bodily harm on you but I think you deserve to be mildly inconvenienced.
*brings a mattress to a trust fall*
{during sex}
Her: Make me scream
Me: *turns on lights
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
My kid asked me to please “be cooler” around his friends and l’m not even cool around MY friends so idk who he thinks he’s dealing with
If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.
Had a great convo w someone I really admire and then immediately walked into a glass door. The lord giveth and the lord wrecketh away
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
sure sex is great but have you ever waved goodbye to houseguests
Ruin a hipster’s day by telling them how commercial you think their favorite band has become.
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
“There are hot Shingles in your area”
– My Doctor
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
[in court]
Judge: You’re the prosecutor?
Prosecutor: Yes.
Judge: So then who is this?
Me: (flips hair) I’m the prosecutest.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I deep cleaned the carpet so now I guess we’ll live outside.
mother in law: [eyes turn black and pukes all over me] I’ll eat your soul
wife: oh my god she’s possessed
me: you sure? I mean you know her better but
You have to sit up to drink coffee in bed. I know that now.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.