Wakes up at 6:30. Quietly makes coffee and takes dog outside. Sits down with phone and vows not to waste entire day on Twitter.
… 5 minutes later
wife: supper’s ready!!
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Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
I just found out that blackbirds aren’t afraid of squirrels and now I’m afraid of blackbirds.
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
I don’t always go outside but when I do I hit my forehead really hard on a shelf to make sure I look like an idiot.
Why’d they call it a catapult and not an over the shoulder boulder holder?
Nothing freaks me out like when I’m ordering from a Chinese restaurant and I ask “What kind of meat is that?” and they answer “yes”
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
So not only is it the 4th of July and apparently the house behind me is a fireworks warehouse but the new neighbors across the street have a garage band. 😕
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Maybe wear your heart on the other sleeve, that one has mustard on it.
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
ME: my therapist told me to stop talking about people as if they weren’t here
THERAPIST: [rubbing temples] i know
“DOES ANYONE KNOW CPR?”
I step forward boldly.
“I know OF it.”
It’s fine when the cat looks like this. Hell it’s actually good.
4 completely accepts that Santa Clause is real, but his mouth drops every time I remind him that his Grandma is my mom.
Tip: if you often say things like “there is no i in team but there *is* one in incompetence” they won’t ask you to mentor new coworkers.
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
interviewer: and how many years of experience do you have being a sandwich?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
I bet zombies feel the same way about mannequins as I do about oatmeal raisin cookies.
Autocorrect got me in trouble again when I invited the neighbors over for a friendly game of Go Fist.
Brought home almond milk from the grocery store
My bf: You know, if you like nut milk you could….
Me: No
My son just threatened to not talk to me for the rest of the day.
I’m 3% offended and 97% hoping he follows through.