@Schmoodles: There's a party in my pants, with an all you can eat buffet, and a VIP entrance in the rear.
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@stephenjmolloy: Me: "I'm looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly." Ian: "I'm a medium." Me: "I need someone better than that."
@jwoodham: The year is 2087. Selfies are the new currency now and that annoying girl you went to high school with is the richest person in the world.
@bellicosejason: A friend just texted me & asked for relationship advice. That's like asking the pope to name all the members of Slipknot.
@Brianhopecomedy: Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.