There’s a skinny girl inside me who is just DYING to get out.
She stole the last cupcake & then bragged about her metabolism, so I ate her.
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How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck knew his existence was futile & all his loved ones were going to die one day?
Got in a relationship 15 hours ago and right on schedule, 3 men from my past have hit me up
[Spain, 1578]
“I’m not a witch!”
But all the cats?
“My pets!”
The broom?
“For cleaning!”
The cauldron of boiling children?
“Ok I’m a witch.”
Next time you take your dog for a walk, dress like a cop & pretend to be searching the neighborhood for drugs.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
INTERVIEWER: *putting down phone* Your Twitter account says you’ve had 148 jobs.
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I asked my imaginary friend if I was emotionally stable, and she said yes, so…
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
We cut our bangs at dawn.
[concert parking lot]
SON: Can I have $20 for a shirt?
ME: Hold on. [grabs college kid] Want to buy a gummy? Purple Haze… $20. It’ll blow your mind.
KID: Sure! Here you go. Thanks!
SON: DAD… ARE YOU A DRUG DEALER?!?
ME: No, they’re from Costco. Here, go buy a shirt.
If you eat a pregnant girls food, you’re required to have the baby for her
My husband just got so tired of our argument he threw himself down the imaginary steps behind the couch.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
[Beautiful songbirds begin to dress me]
Me: I don’t want to wear that shirt today
Songbirds: We don’t care
*pets a duck* helo litle friemd u used to b a dinosuar
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
Left a plaster cast of my mouth at the bakery so they know exactly how big to bake the cupcakes
People who say their migraine is going to be the death of them are totally right because I just killed a lady right after she said that.
‘Hey mommy look, a bone! Just like we have in our bodies.’
-my 5 year old eating fried chicken and dangerously close to connecting some dots.
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
My dad is a superhero. But without a costume because costumes are expensive and do you think he’s made of money?
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.