There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
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It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
I let 8 stay up late last night which helped when i told him it was time for bed he just said ok and went right to sleep. haha i’m jk he still lost his shit.
*Sees couple arguing in store*
*Discreetly drops a pregnancy test into the cart*
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
I’m just a girl, standing in a public restroom, begging someone, anyone, to install better ventilation
If I can’t pronounce your name after meeting you, you will from that point forward be addressed as “bro.”
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan
[Commercial for axes]
[A lumberjack swinging a dead goat against a tree in the woods]
*Turns to camera*
“There has to be a better way?”
Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
I sexually identify as an avocado.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Not in the mood.
Oh yes tonight is the nigh-
Too late, I’m over it.
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
I wish I took the same care with anything in my life as my dog does with choosing where to poop.
For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
In a room full of idiots screaming their opinions at the top of their lungs, be the guy in the corner doing finger guns with his reflection.
My husband has been gone for 6 months. He’s on his 4th tour of Ikea.
[High School Reunion]
Me: Those were the days, right?
Mrs. Miller: You left out Thursday that time.
If you want to piss off a narcissist, just tell ’em that subtweet wasn’t about them.
I used to date a hypnotist and now I can’t even remember why we broke up
Look what the cat dragged in!
*freaks out remembering I don’t have a cat and house was built on top of a pet cemetery*
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.