[Girl takes off her clothes]
“You have had sex before right?”
[Me, in a suit of armor & holding a cauliflower]
…
“no actually”
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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
{keeps yelling HIT ME at a tarot card reading}
“Michael just bought a popcorn popper. You know what he probably wants to buy next? *Another* popcorn popper.”
-Amazon suggestions logic
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Son: daddy why is the sky blue?
Me: it’s probably sad that people ask questions that they could have just googled
Cool shirt 🙂
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
boss: you’re late
me: I broke down on the way here
boss: did they tow your car?
me: car?
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
I asked my wife for an audio book and she got me an encyclopaedia. That speaks volumes.
5: let’s play the quiet game.
Me: okay
5: ready..? Start.
Me:
5:
Me:
5: whoever talks first is the loser.
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
A kebab made by a librarian is a
Shhhhhish kebab
#RubbishJokes #KebabDay
#FridayVibe
Sure, getting murdered is horrible, but have you ever been stuck in and endless group text?
I’m full of shit, opinions and liquor. If that’s not a recipe for a twitter addiction, I don’t know what is.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
If you stand too close to me in the check out line, you may as well pay for my stuff while you’re breathing down my neck.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
Boss: I’m going to need you to start being more of a team player.
Me: You want me to save the titanic too?
[ first day working at a pet store ]
customer: can i see that fish bowl?
me: sure let me get his shoes
day 1 of quarantine: i have stockpiled 1200 tubes of yogurt
day 2 of quarantine: my kids have just finished the last of the yogurt
Wife: The police are here asking about a break in at the pet store
Me from within a pile of puppies: Tell them I’m not here.
angel: what should zebras look like?
god: completely innocent
angel: ok
god: they could do no wrong
angel: got it
god: so paint ‘em like the hamburglar