When I awoke this morning my husband lovingly walked toward me, bent down, kissed the dog on the forehead and whispered, “I won’t be long” then left in case you want to know what a rockin’ hot marriage is like
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Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
Men pick a hairstyle at 15 and call it good until baldness or death.
to be Frank, i would have to change my name.
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
Your mother and I want you to know that we love you very much, so that’s why we’re getting a divorce and marrying you instead.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
If you think your microwave collecting data and the TV spying on you is bad enough…
The vaccum cleaner has been gathering dirt on you for years.
are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
Saw a bumper sticker that said ‘Jesus is the answer.’ Two cars later I saw one that said ‘Who farted?’ Best game of Highway Jeopardy ever.
My 6yo announced, “All I want is a mansion and a yacht. That’s not much. Just two things.”
JUST. TWO. THINGS.
[on phone]
ME: Babe what’s the wifi password?
HER: We broke up. I told you last night
ME: We broke up, got it. Any upper case or spaces?
Dear Diary,
– I killed a man today. It felt AMAZING.
– Dad’s screwing his assistant.
– My sister’s PREGNANT!
– Stop reading my diary, Mom.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
[watching TV]
GF: Tickle my back please
ME: Is that nice?
GF: Little bit higher
ME: [very slightly squeaky voice] Is that nice?
I don’t know what upsets me more, the fact that that guy stole my tweet or that he only got 2 retweets off of it
[God creating bees]
GOD: make some of them fuzzy
ANGEL: thats good
G: make them sting
A: okay
G: and let’s give them teeth!
A: too far
One day they won’t want to hang with you anymore I tell myself as my kids have 47 things to tell me while I’m on the toilet.
“She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts.”
-Romans 1:15
very clever of hansel and gretel to leave a trail of bread crumbs through the forest, since that is an environment in which there are famously no bread-crumb consuming creatures.
There’s going to be a full moon this Christmas!
Because mixing family and alcohol together wasn’t enough…
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
Every day before I leave the house, I pat myself in several places. Phone? Wallet? Keys? etc. etc.
I’ve just added a new ending to the search. I say:
Heyyyy Macarena.