There’s a spider that’s been in the same place on my living room wall for an hour so he’s essentially also watching Shrek.
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Me: I would literally die for my friends, I love them so much
Therapist: but what about you? Do you love yourself enough to d-
Me: oh I would die for myself too
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Genie: *facepalm* And your final wish?
Me: To not have Alzheimers anymore
*looks at two lifetime supplies of skittles*
Genie: Probably should have opened with that
boss: you know what’s weird
me: how the flintsones celebrate Christmas even tho they live in 10,000 b.c?
boss: how the flin— yes exactly
When I would sit in the backseat of the car as a kid I used to imagine I was in a music video. Now when I sit in the backseat I imagine someone’s finally taking me to an asylum.
Don’t make me out nice you.
Not to brag but my son’s friend said “Your dad looks hot” when I was cleaning the pool. She followed with “Is that heat stroke?” but still.
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
me: why are you leaving me Barbar?
Barbara: because after 11 years you can’t get my name right
me: but I love you Brabra
Mike: Mom! We’re out of burrito paper!
Mom: Dammit Mike, they’re tortillas. You’re twenty six.
Skinny people are easier to get blown around by storms. These 4 donuts are for my safety.
Sleep is the best thing in the world
(Provided you get the chance to wake up)
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
“Missed you.”
– a lover“Missed you.”
– a sniperContext is important.
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
8 asked if he could draw my face and was super proud of the result.
Unrelated, he now lives with a neighbour.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
male cult leader: I have received a new revelation from the lord
me: let me guess, he wants you to have multip—
cult leader: I am to have multiple wives
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
This ad says: “3 out of 5 smokers die”
Apparently the other 2 become immortal.