I wasted my best smelling years on people who didn’t deserve me.
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Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Well, shit
i love that bands still pretend to leave before their encore. like peekaboo for adults
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
Birds are fed by their parents in their infancy. When the time comes to feed themselves, there can be some confusion when the food does not go into their mouth by itself.
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
The owls are hooting and the stars are shooting and the coons are looting the cat food
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
“Better to be pissed off than pissed on!”
Actually, I prefer a third scenario where I’m not angry or covered in piss.
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
So many haunted “mansions.” Sad how this country is killing the middle class ghost.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
I love when pretty people say that they’re ugly so that I can agree with them and watch the life drain from their faces.
My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.
My wife bought a rice cooker today. I guess we’re going to eat a ton of rice over the next few days and then never again.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
As an economist, I know the best system is where precisely 12 people have all the money and let it sit idle in offshore accounts
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
one last job